Why write?

I am a writer and an editor. I have been writing since I was fourteen. I started writing because I felt lonely. I believed that my ideas and my opinions were different. But, the children in my school knew how to support their opinions with facts and statistics. I wasn't one of them. When I put across my opinion and was asked to defend it in a debate, I found myself weak.

So, I turned to writing. The pages of my diary never questioned me. They never asked for a proof to back up my speech and opinions. The pages of my diary taught me a lesson. Everyone wants to be heard, but none is willing to hear. I poured my soul every time I wrote. When I penned my feelings, I became more secure about them. I fell in love with myself. I gained confidence.

Soon I started my blog, Life of Homo Sapiens. I wasn't very consistent at posting blogs, but whenever I wrote I made sure to write something which had a meaning to it. Each and every piece I have written to date has always had a part of me. My values, my beliefs, my anecdotes, my wishes, and of course my truth. When I was published as a co-author in Inkfeathers's Postbox, I wrote an open letter to the world. In that letter, I explained how "fandoms" have become a part of life.

I was 16 when I wrote the piece. I used to be obsessed with a music boy band then. For some reason, they helped me feel good about who I was. Their fan community accepted me and loved me like I was their family. In confusion of growing up and hormonal imbalance, I found peace and calm because of my love for that boy band. You see, like I said, I write to express myself. I write to showcase the love I have for myself and my ideas.

During the pandemic, I was breaking everyday. The uncertainty around me would bother me to no end. The only thing that kept my sanity was my work as an editor and a compiler. The theme for my book, The Forgotten Sagas, was historical and mythological fiction. It wasn't an easy road. I stayed up till four in the mornings discussing the write ups with my writers. Fortunately for me, I managed to get an amazing set of writers. Compiling a 250+ pages manuscript, editing and proofreading a thousand times to deliver the perfect result, everything was difficult. Yet I felt like giving it my best.

As a child, I had always imagined working in the historical and cultural sector. I have never been able to work towards that dream my younger self had dared to dream off. This book is a small token of appreciation to that younger self. A token, which asks her to believe that her dreams have taken off and soon she will reach the destination she dreamed off. Till then, I will keep writing to find my peace, achieve my goals and find my path.

Welcome Back!

It's been a long time since I have felt this way. Powerful and unique in a way. It's no doubt that I have always been a bit in love with myself. A narcissist, I am not. (Yes I have been watching the British Television Show - Sherlock. British English is an absolute delight to hear let alone the accent. Anyway back to the point.) 

Yes, I love the way I am. I am different. When it comes to work at least, I am different. Traditional methods of knowledge gaining fail me. Maybe because its been 75 years since the Britishers left India but we didn't bother to reform our wonderful education system meant for training memory and not education. Nevertheless, I have missed myself. In 12th standard, I worked and worked. There was something about exhausting my brain with all the pretty notes and continuous study. In Hindsight, made me feel important. It must have. At that point however I was only doing it to do well in 12th board exams. We all know what a disappointment 12th exams were for me. And then engineering happened. I am not quite sure if I should post this too. It's is true that people will take advantage of such weaknesses of yours. It might even hurt me but I am not afraid. 

Anyway the point is I am back. After nearly two years, I am back. I think I like the high of being exhausted. Especially when I am exhausted with study, of anything else. I must have been running away from it but studying is fun. And the girl who used to work every single minute of the day is back. She is. I had lost her during the start of engineering. Sure, engineering wasn't and isn't what I enjoy. It's quite bad. I still want to study literature, art, religion, political science and everything ancient. That doesn't mean I don't enjoy studying. For 6 to 5 months of my first semester, I broke down piece by piece. I am not ashamed, I love that I went through that. Next two semesters I just tried to pass and cope with the sullen face of a hurt soldier (Yes, I am comparing myself to a soldier. It's sarcasm for those who really thought that my behavior could be comparable to the noble ones of a soldier. Anyway)

Fourth Semester has been different. I have been making the most beautiful notes of all the time. They look as chaotic as it gets. I find them extremely pretty. Very Pretty. I love the chaos on the paper. Not an inch left without the blotch of ink or graphite and lead. I'll go further an confess that I might be a little showoff about them. But there has been a bit of my weakness. the only weakness that has always stopped from attaining my true potential or as some might say hard work. It's a beautiful thing, you know hard work. I am only just realizing. 

You see hard work is a amalgamation of persistence, resistance, dedication and extreme control. 

Hard work: A worthy quality to posses. 

I have always hated the word. I couldn't practice it ever. Not even if my life depended on it. But I am learning. Engineering is teaching me. It is. It's been too long since this I have met this Trisha. A bit crazy, high on life, in love with herself. I used to thrive on chaos. I found the order of my chaos.

 My kind of organisation: Chaos. 

Every level of chaos has an order. The secret to dealing with chaos is to not constrain it but to allow it to control you. Universe has always been referred to as the chaotic force, hasn't it? So in a way, you are letting the universe lead you. That's what I have learnt. I shouldn't doubt what is happening. I should challenge it of course, fight with it but the universe I believe is my friend. The dearest one of them all. I have learnt to trust it. Because when, I started trusting my friend, it returned myself to me. 

Organisation makes me feel trapped. No matter how much I tried it, the worst it become. Chaos is fun. It allows me to deal with everything. In the movie "Parasite", there was an ever so wonderful dialogue that went along the lines that if there is no plan then there is no way to fail. I disagree of course. It always takes a plan to achieve something, but it's when this plan fails that you are tested as a person. My planned failed. And I succumbed to my own prejudices of what a person should be, or to be more specific what I should be. Anyway the point of this all is that, Look who I have found. The Trisha that thrives on chaos and lives on a high of extreme mind stimulation. I found her. She loves being occupied with work, although she has denied it all the while. 

But, above anything I have a promise to make to this returned Trisha. I am not losing her before I teach her the very essence of hard work. She will learn how to be persistent in efforts. She is going to learn how to block the noise. She is going to learn how to focus. And she must most definitely learn to be patient. Of course when I write this down, my intentions are as vague as it can be. But those intentions of mine are for me to hear and not anyone's to be heard. My intention, though I assure you, go to the very depth of me in my metamorphosis stage, which of course is a name I oh so dearly would like to call my years of engineering form now on. 

Till next time, when I have something to say. Ciao. 

I don't mind Engineering after all!

After a long time, I felt like writing something down. It feels good. The other day I drew a sketch after months. It felt good. You know I have realized working as a writer, I don't want to monetize these activities of mine. No doubt I am good at writing, but do I want a living off it? Nope. I don't. It's really quite simple as an artist you can't make your art as and when the world demands for it. You make art when you want it, when you need it. So, a career monetizing my art is out. Surly, I wouldn't mind some extra bucks if these skills provide me those. 

Recently I went on a good 20 day long trip to Spain. It was lovely. The trip itself was very eventful, with a little push and pull here and there. Overall, I gained a lot of perspective about life. Travelling around the world makes you like that. It makes you feel so gifted I guess. It gives you perspective, really opens your mind. It helps you grow and learn I guess. 

When I returned from the trip my father and I were tested positive for covid. They dumped us in an ambulance and drove to the back end of the hotel. Then they trapped us in a hotel room. It was devastating. The funny part is neither one of us had any symptoms at all. Most of the people would like to believe that we were actually asymptomatic, the truth I tell you is not that. It feels really bad to be trapped, like a fancy jail maybe. Surprisingly, my only hope to survive was my studies. The studies I hated with all my heart provided for my relief. 

Don't misunderstand me. I still get anxiety and my heart rate shoots up the normal whenever I think about practicals and viva. It is the fear of being found out as a person who doesn't know it at all. Still, with all the anxiety and palpitations I have learnt to deal with it. I think I am becoming used to engineering or the fact that I am a student of engineering. It still hurts that I couldn't pursue what I wanted, but I am happy I didn't quit when it was tough. I feel happy that I chose to push through. I chose to look at my semester starts as another opportunity. I miss being among the top performers in a small pond, but I don't hate being mediocre anymore. I have stopped pressurizing myself to be that ideal image of myself. I am just trying to make it. 

I think engineering has really taught me more about life than studying ancient civilizations ever could. Sure, I don't know a thing about the subjects in my degree, but that's alright. Academic knowledge has been easy for me to grasp, it's the life lessons I should have experienced. I am half way through my bachelor's. I have two more years to go for becoming a graduate. It feels like a long way ahead, but then I look back and see how my two years have just vanished. Recently I had read a quote somewhere. It went along the lines of "When the going gets tough, look back to see how far you've come". I guess I can agree. 

Whenever I think about engineering and my passion for ancient civilizations, I somehow relate it to the person who gave up on their love  only to be in a arranged marriage with the good person. It's all about being in love against being practical, isn't it? Sure, I would have been happier with my lover, but you learn to appreciate and be grateful towards your arranged partner. Anyway, I wouldn't know whether that is true. I am speculating here. 

All I know is everyday I am learning to like my life a bit more. I am learning that life is good when you have family and friends that love and support you unconditionally. There is not a single day I don't wish to be a student of classical studies. It still hurts that I didn't have the courage to take that risk. For a month or so I blamed my parents too. But I love them too much to care and now I feel like I trust them a bit more. But none of this takes away from my hurting. Still I have learned to live and appreciate what I have. I have no financial responsibility, no worry about a roof over my head, no worry about food, in fact I have the luxury to wear clothes worth thousands of rupees, I have my family and friends who adore me with all my mood swings and grumpy behavior.  And some days that's enough.  :)