After a long time, I felt like writing something down. It feels good. The other day I drew a sketch after months. It felt good. You know I have realized working as a writer, I don't want to monetize these activities of mine. No doubt I am good at writing, but do I want a living off it? Nope. I don't. It's really quite simple as an artist you can't make your art as and when the world demands for it. You make art when you want it, when you need it. So, a career monetizing my art is out. Surly, I wouldn't mind some extra bucks if these skills provide me those.
Recently I went on a good 20 day long trip to Spain. It was lovely. The trip itself was very eventful, with a little push and pull here and there. Overall, I gained a lot of perspective about life. Travelling around the world makes you like that. It makes you feel so gifted I guess. It gives you perspective, really opens your mind. It helps you grow and learn I guess.
When I returned from the trip my father and I were tested positive for covid. They dumped us in an ambulance and drove to the back end of the hotel. Then they trapped us in a hotel room. It was devastating. The funny part is neither one of us had any symptoms at all. Most of the people would like to believe that we were actually asymptomatic, the truth I tell you is not that. It feels really bad to be trapped, like a fancy jail maybe. Surprisingly, my only hope to survive was my studies. The studies I hated with all my heart provided for my relief.
Don't misunderstand me. I still get anxiety and my heart rate shoots up the normal whenever I think about practicals and viva. It is the fear of being found out as a person who doesn't know it at all. Still, with all the anxiety and palpitations I have learnt to deal with it. I think I am becoming used to engineering or the fact that I am a student of engineering. It still hurts that I couldn't pursue what I wanted, but I am happy I didn't quit when it was tough. I feel happy that I chose to push through. I chose to look at my semester starts as another opportunity. I miss being among the top performers in a small pond, but I don't hate being mediocre anymore. I have stopped pressurizing myself to be that ideal image of myself. I am just trying to make it.
I think engineering has really taught me more about life than studying ancient civilizations ever could. Sure, I don't know a thing about the subjects in my degree, but that's alright. Academic knowledge has been easy for me to grasp, it's the life lessons I should have experienced. I am half way through my bachelor's. I have two more years to go for becoming a graduate. It feels like a long way ahead, but then I look back and see how my two years have just vanished. Recently I had read a quote somewhere. It went along the lines of "When the going gets tough, look back to see how far you've come". I guess I can agree.
Whenever I think about engineering and my passion for ancient civilizations, I somehow relate it to the person who gave up on their love only to be in a arranged marriage with the good person. It's all about being in love against being practical, isn't it? Sure, I would have been happier with my lover, but you learn to appreciate and be grateful towards your arranged partner. Anyway, I wouldn't know whether that is true. I am speculating here.
All I know is everyday I am learning to like my life a bit more. I am learning that life is good when you have family and friends that love and support you unconditionally. There is not a single day I don't wish to be a student of classical studies. It still hurts that I didn't have the courage to take that risk. For a month or so I blamed my parents too. But I love them too much to care and now I feel like I trust them a bit more. But none of this takes away from my hurting. Still I have learned to live and appreciate what I have. I have no financial responsibility, no worry about a roof over my head, no worry about food, in fact I have the luxury to wear clothes worth thousands of rupees, I have my family and friends who adore me with all my mood swings and grumpy behavior. And some days that's enough. :)
