Why I was miserable after my board results?

DEAR READERS, 

HI...(Ross way)

Alright, I have just 30 minutes to write this post. Why? Simply because that is the allotted time I have given myself. Now, on July 10th my 12th board results were announced. Most of you know that I did not want to speak about it for a couple of hours after it was released. I was awarded very good marks, according to the norm. 

Most of the people, who have spent time with me, know for a fact that I live with a whole different set of values or 'mantras'. I have very unique ideas about life and how to handle things. One of my mantras being, 'There is nothing in life that can take away your peace from you entirely'. The word 'entirely' being the key word there. I believe that everything in life is a part of it. There are extremely important parts and not so important parts. Extremely important parts being huge such as family, studies, job and close friends. They are all important parts, still they are just parts which do not control the entire journey of yours. 

So, as a result of this believe, I successively believe that studies hold a very important place in my life but not enough to control me entirely. Therefore, I tend to not care about marks. Here is the entry of conflict.

I do not care about marks but I felt horrible when I scored less than what I scored in the same paper previously. I noticed this very early. I thought I was a hypocrite to feel that way and preach otherwise. 

Only recently did I realize that it is not hypocritical of me. Why?

The reason is I felt the same way when I received my 12th board marks. Just to give you an idea I scored 90+ percentage, which is considered good. I felt disappointed. I felt frustrated. I scored a similar percentage in 10th. I remembered feeling relived that I had not disappointed my family and teachers. That remembrance caused more frustration because I felt horrible right now. I was not relived at all let alone being happy. 

Since then, I have constantly been thinking about it. No matter how I look at it , I still feel miserable. After being at war with myself, I decided that I need to move on from this failure. ( the definition of failure and success is very subjective, but lets keep that topic for some other time)

One good thing that came out of this is that, marks really do not affect me. What does affect me is the truth. My truth. 

I did not do enough to reach my full potential. While this has always been at the back of my mind, only now do I really seem to understand it. To say the least, I think I have been lazy for the past 2 years. The reason why I was at peace with myself in 10th is only because I did work for that result. In 12th I believe I only received the so called success because of god's grace. 

Believing in different ideologies, developed from your little understanding of Bhagvad Gita (a oversimplified translation), it is obvious that not many live a life like you. In cases of common flaw, being lazy in my case, the common methods of motivation do not work out. This is also the reason many might have noticed that my study method is far from traditional. The traditional ideas simply do not work for me. 

When parents usually motivate children by putting vacations, clothing or even concert passes on line, they tend to work hard. Well that does not work for me. While some study to runaway from failure, others do it to achieve success. I do it simply to keep up with my level. I simply do it because I have to. I do not really have success or failure in my mind while doing the work. Yes, after the work is done I hope for success and prepare for failure. However, that still does not motivate me. So you see I do not have any motivation to achieve anything. 

No one can help me here, simply because hardly anyone has worked or works like me. That makes me all alone to find ways to my success. I need to find my driving force on my own, with no one to  guide me. It becomes lonely sometimes. You are constantly debating with yourself. Should I just drop all my thoughts and follow the tried and tested methods? Will I be fine if I go on like this? What if I ruin myself? I cannot and will not blame anyone as these are the choices I need to make. I hurt a lot of my loved ones in the process, as they are experimenting these new ideologies too. They are put under constant stress and tension of wondering if I will succeed or fail. However, I am unable to practice the tried and tested methods as I will be losing myself, which might lead to me being sad and agitated, most of the times.( I tried it ) 

Anyway, a good news is that I think I have found my driving force. My driving force is to work enough so that I am satisfied with my efforts. My driving force is reaching my full potential, professionally and personally. I do not feel that my mantras are changing anytime soon. To be honest, they are not bad, they are actually based on how a ideal person should live, well most of them are. Some of them are plainly made because I find them fun. One such fun mantra I live by is a Hindi one. It essentially means everything is an illusion. I have mentioned it below. 

 " SAB MOH MAYA HAI!"

On that note I will take my leave. 

Yours truly,

Trisim <3

I do not know

I do not know

Dear Readers, 

Sawubona.
I am so exhausted. I am. The year 2020 has become the most important one. I am filled with anger, sadness, stress and annoyance. 

They asked me to remain positive. How can I? How can I study and work hard.

Look at it as a blessing in disguise. How can I?

It was going to be a simple year. Started off well. By March end I will be done with my board exams. 

By May first week, I will be done with my entrance exams. Then I will take my first break without any worries of my future and studies. 

No. It is not possible. The pandemic was on its way. I am frustrated now.

I am not studying.

I fight with my sister as often as I breakdown, which is every second day. This lock down is breaking me. It is. 

However, there is nothing in my hands.I tried to push myself to study. I tried to do all the house chores so that others can be happy. In turn I will be happy. I tried learning new things. I tried making the most of this extra 'free' time. I tried to be the ideal person and make most out of it. 

I could not. I tried. I am exhausted now. I do not want to continue like this. 

So, What has this lock down meant for me?

It has taught me about emotions. Living in the city that never sleeps, you tend to leave your emotions out. You simply do not have enough time to ponder on how you feel. Life is a race they say. Somewhere inside our minds we have accepted that. If you take out time to analyse how you feel, you will be left behind. In turn we learn to acknowledge our emotions, then throw it away. How many times have we thought, 'I feel so happy today' or 'I feel sad today'. We just leave it at that. 

While doing so, I wonder if we feel the emotions that we perceive. I have learnt that I have no understanding of what I feel. I do not know how to express myself. I want to be there for my family and my friends. I want to be that positive ball that makes them feel cozy and happy. However, I do not know how to do it. 

This lack of knowledge creates miscommunication, leading to fights, maybe the emotion of frustration. How should we handle this? I do not know.  Therefore, you end up having the most ugly fights with the people you care about and love with all your heart. The irony of this situation? You end up harming the person you want to protect from this situation and you do this because of the situation.

This includes yourself as well. You try to do all those things that will help your family and friends be positive in this situation, but do you do the things that will keep you happy? Unfortunately, I stopped. I forgot that in the list of loved ones, I am there too. The peace in my mind, the stability of my mind was lost. I felt the emotions, except this time I had time to ponder about it and so the cycle began. 

 I did not have the stability in my mind to deal with them and so I was left with so many questions. 

All of them having uncertainty as their constant theme and "I do not know" as the most frequent answer.

I know there is no point of this blog. It is too uncertain and a bit depressing. However, this is the exact reason why I stared writing. It was a way for me to make my intangible thoughts into tangible.

I know that I am not perfect. There are people who judge me, mock me, dislike me and are better than me. I have kept myself locked away from them, but one good thing from this lock down is that I have learnt how to speak my truth. Even if majority of the people do not support me, I want to be myself for those few of them, who cherish me for myself. 

All of you, who read this till the end, I am grateful and thankful to the almighty for having you in my life. I truly appreciate your presence in my life. I thank you. :)

Love,

Trisim.

(also I literally did not know what to name this, so it became a pun)