I do not know

I do not know

Dear Readers, 

Sawubona.
I am so exhausted. I am. The year 2020 has become the most important one. I am filled with anger, sadness, stress and annoyance. 

They asked me to remain positive. How can I? How can I study and work hard.

Look at it as a blessing in disguise. How can I?

It was going to be a simple year. Started off well. By March end I will be done with my board exams. 

By May first week, I will be done with my entrance exams. Then I will take my first break without any worries of my future and studies. 

No. It is not possible. The pandemic was on its way. I am frustrated now.

I am not studying.

I fight with my sister as often as I breakdown, which is every second day. This lock down is breaking me. It is. 

However, there is nothing in my hands.I tried to push myself to study. I tried to do all the house chores so that others can be happy. In turn I will be happy. I tried learning new things. I tried making the most of this extra 'free' time. I tried to be the ideal person and make most out of it. 

I could not. I tried. I am exhausted now. I do not want to continue like this. 

So, What has this lock down meant for me?

It has taught me about emotions. Living in the city that never sleeps, you tend to leave your emotions out. You simply do not have enough time to ponder on how you feel. Life is a race they say. Somewhere inside our minds we have accepted that. If you take out time to analyse how you feel, you will be left behind. In turn we learn to acknowledge our emotions, then throw it away. How many times have we thought, 'I feel so happy today' or 'I feel sad today'. We just leave it at that. 

While doing so, I wonder if we feel the emotions that we perceive. I have learnt that I have no understanding of what I feel. I do not know how to express myself. I want to be there for my family and my friends. I want to be that positive ball that makes them feel cozy and happy. However, I do not know how to do it. 

This lack of knowledge creates miscommunication, leading to fights, maybe the emotion of frustration. How should we handle this? I do not know.  Therefore, you end up having the most ugly fights with the people you care about and love with all your heart. The irony of this situation? You end up harming the person you want to protect from this situation and you do this because of the situation.

This includes yourself as well. You try to do all those things that will help your family and friends be positive in this situation, but do you do the things that will keep you happy? Unfortunately, I stopped. I forgot that in the list of loved ones, I am there too. The peace in my mind, the stability of my mind was lost. I felt the emotions, except this time I had time to ponder about it and so the cycle began. 

 I did not have the stability in my mind to deal with them and so I was left with so many questions. 

All of them having uncertainty as their constant theme and "I do not know" as the most frequent answer.

I know there is no point of this blog. It is too uncertain and a bit depressing. However, this is the exact reason why I stared writing. It was a way for me to make my intangible thoughts into tangible.

I know that I am not perfect. There are people who judge me, mock me, dislike me and are better than me. I have kept myself locked away from them, but one good thing from this lock down is that I have learnt how to speak my truth. Even if majority of the people do not support me, I want to be myself for those few of them, who cherish me for myself. 

All of you, who read this till the end, I am grateful and thankful to the almighty for having you in my life. I truly appreciate your presence in my life. I thank you. :)

Love,

Trisim.

(also I literally did not know what to name this, so it became a pun)